I think it gets confusing for people who are on the receiving end of advice because we just say “red flag” and they don’t seem to get a grasp on how serious their situation actually is. We’re saying ‘red flag’ to cover both problematic/non-optimal behavior as well as outright abusive behaviors (even if they haven’t yet escalated).
Abuse Watch: “We have all the ingredients for abuse.”
Abuse Warning: “We are having abuse. Right now. It just may not have hit you yet.”
See also:
Signs/patterns of abusive thinking that underlie abuse:
- their feelings (‘needs’/wants) always take priority
- they feel that being right is more important than anything else
- they justify their (problematic/abusive) actions because ‘they’re right’
- image management (controlling the narrative and how others see them) because of how they acted in ‘being right’
- trying to control/change your thoughts/feelings/beliefs/actions
- antagonistic relational paradigm (it’s always them v. you, you v. them, them v. others, others v. them – even if you don’t know about it until they are angry)
- inability see anything from someone else’s perspective (they don’t have to agree, but they should still be able to understand their perspective) this means they don’t have a model of other people as fully realized human beings