The sobering, heartbreaking, unfair truth is that no one can rescue a victim of abuse.
Even when we can remove someone from immediate danger and harm, and whisk them away to safety, they are still in jeopardy.
- Maybe it’s a violent spouse stalking their victim all over the country.
- Maybe it’s figuring out the practicalities of how to live in the world without any support system; getting a job, paying bills, getting a roof over your head.
- Maybe it’s the terror of shared custody with an abuser. Watching your sweet beloved children knowing they are being abused by the other parent, or step-parent, or grandparent, or whoever. That you can’t protect them from monsters.
- Maybe it’s realizing that even if you leave abusive parents, they can exert extraordinary power over your future by whether they provide financial information for college.
- Maybe it’s the vulnerability of being in a foster home, away from everything you’ve ever known. Being actually vulnerable to further abuse in a system that fails children so often.
It is so profoundly, stupidly unfair.
And we don’t have reliable supports in place to help victims of abuse. We have a patchwork between non-profit and legal and community resources, and it often depends on what town you are in, what basic knowledge you have.
Some people have to be convinced they need rescue in the first place.
They don’t recognize they are being abused. They question their feelings, judgments, instincts, and wonder over and over what they can do to ‘fix’ things or ‘make things better’.
Is this okay?
Is this normal?
Do people normally act this way?
They might begin to see that it isn’t a ‘communication’ or ‘relationship’ issue, and wonder
Is this abuse?
Am I being abused?
Did I do something to cause this?
Most people, after finally realizing they are being abused, try ‘rescuing’ the abuser.
Trying to communicate them into not abusing; they try to explain. They try and try and try again. The honeymoon stage (if one still exists in their abuse cycle) gives them hope that this time things will be different. That they have the power to ‘change things’, never wanting to accept that – in reality – they want to change another person, and this is, itself, an impossibility.
What should I do?
…people ask when they finally realize they can’t fix or change or make things better. They realize how stuck they are, just how much their lives are entangled. Victims (generally) want their same life, just one that’s free from abuse.
We want what we have, but better.
And we want to be rescued. We want someone to tell the abuser to stop abusing, to hold them accountable. We want the abuser to be taken away. We want someone to give us a place to go and set us up with work or school, and get us on our feet.
But this is almost never on the victim’s terms.
People set up to help victims of abuse have very specific ways they are willing to do so, who they are willing to help, and how.
So many people want to know ‘what should I do?’ and the problem is that the answer isn’t the same for everyone.
So much depends on your personal situation and even where you live. A person in a larger metropolitan city is simply going to have more options than the person in a very small town.
Sometimes a victim can’t leave…yet.
Sometimes what you can do is to bide your time while positioning yourself for success and independence. Sometimes you have to play the abuser’s game or work within the ‘rules’ they’ve set up. Sometimes you only exist in the privacy of your mind.
In order to rescue ourselves, we need a completely opposite skill set from the one we used to survive.
We need to learn assertiveness, how to stand up for ourselves, how to manage our anxiety and discomfort when someone else is mad. We have to learn that someone else’s problems and emotions are theirs. We have to learn to recognize boundary violating behaviors early on, instead of desperately looking for signs that a problem person loves us. We have to love and accept ourselves, instead of making ourselves smaller.
Sometimes we can’t do that right now.
Change is a process…any kind of change. All steps matter. Our lives are the momentum of our history and choices and chances, and it takes time to undo and re-orient and re-build our foundation. To build momentum in a healthy and positive direction.
Not only are we convincing each other to rescue ourselves, we are convincing each other that we can.
And when you are in the middle of it, it is so hard to see the other side. It’s amazing that we believe we can change abusers but that we can’t change our situation.
What can I do?
Honestly, the real honest-to-god answer on this is to build relationships outside the abuse. Even if you are dealing with non-profits or the legal system or community resources, it is relationships that will give you the strength and support and resources to rescue yourself. At minimum, they can mirror you to yourself as someone who deserves better. At maximum, they can give you the tools or space you need.
I will never cease to be amazed at how I one day needed the services of the very non-profit I had been volunteering for.
Victims of abuse are so isolated, they feel so alone in their experience and struggle, and we may have forgotten how to trust because of how badly it has been abused. Building relationships means building trust in others…and ultimately in ourselves.
We have to rescue ourselves…and we can.
We just don’t have to do it alone.