Abuse is a specific kind of violence that occurs within an existing relationship,
…and specifically ones with a certain level of emotional intimacy and interdependence or dependence (such as between a parent/child, partners, or friends).
When violence occurs within your wider social circle but not between people who have a close/intimate relationship, it’s called “bullying” when it doesn’t rise to the level of a crime.
When violence occurs with strangers, it’s called “battery” or “harassment”.
So in order for violence to be abuse – and it could be the exact same action such as hitting or name calling – it has to occur within the context of a close and emotionally intimate relationship.
It’s an ‘abuse of power’ or an abuse of the relationship.
In order to have relationships work, we use tools such as trust
…giving each other the benefit of the doubt, each person assumes the other is operating in good faith, that both are reasonably honest with each other, and that love exists within the relationship.
A victim of abuse is typically operating within the relationship under the ‘healthy’ framework listed above:
…they trust the abuser, they give the abuser the benefit of the doubt, they assume the abuser is operating in good faith, that the abuser is being honest with them, and that the abuser loves them.
Meanwhile, the unsafe behavior is escalating and the victim is a ‘frog in a boiling pot’.
They don’t understand what is happening because they assume they are in a healthy, loving relationship and that assumption is wrong.
So they do what they have learned is what helps repair things in a healthy, loving relationship which is to “communicate”.
But the abuser uses that communication against the victim. It gives the abuser more leverage over the victim. The abuser then says they can’t trust the victim, that the victim isn’t honest, that the victim doesn’t love them, etc. The victim is completely confused and tries to prove that – no! – they do love the abuser and that they are honest and have been trustworthy.
The victim is made to feel like a bad partner, a bad child, a bad friend – all because the abuser is mis-using and hijacking the elements of healthy relationships.
They even hijack the language and concepts of therapy, e.g. the elements of what it takes to recover from unhealthy relationships. They weaponize everything because of how they think and how (unreasonably) entitled they feel.
So victims come away from these relationships thinking that they can never love or trust again.
But it isn’t that love is wrong, or that trusting people is wrong. It isn’t that those things aren’t possible. We need love and trust to have intimate relationships, it is just that abuse co-opts and takes advantage of them.