Women are socialized to make men feel good. We’re socialized to “let you down easy.” We’re not socialized to say a clear and direct “no.” We’re socialized to speak in hints and boost egos and let people save face.
People who don’t respect the social contract (rapists, predators, assholes, pickup artists) are good at taking advantage of this. “No” is something we have to learn. “No” is something we have to earn.
In fact, I’d argue that the ability to just say “no” to something, without further comment, apology, explanation, guilt, or thinking about it is one of the great rites of passage in growing up, and when you start saying it and saying it regularly the world often pushes back. And calls you names.
–Jennifer Peepas (Captain Awkward), excerpted from The art of “no”
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Adapted to identify the underlying pattern, one of status/power:
People are who lower status are socialized to make people who have higher status feel good. They’re socialized to ‘let them down easy’. Lower status people are not socialized to say a clear and direct “no”. They’re socialized to speak in hints and boost egos and let people save face.
People who don’t respect social contracts (rapists, predators, assholes, boundary pushers) are good at taking advantage of this. “No” is something people with lower status have to learn. “No” is something they have to earn.
The ability to just say “no” to something, without further comment, apology, explanation, guilt, or thinking about it is one of the assertions of power/status. When you start saying it and saying it regularly, the world often pushes back if they don’t believe you have that status or power, or if they don’t believe you should have that status or power.
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Invah Note: I wanted to preserve Jennifer Peepas’ fantastic comment, while also analyzing it for the underlying pattern. Because it is important to recognize that low or lower status men or non-binary individuals will also be dealing with this dynamic. When you frame it in context of gender, it misses the essential pattern, alienates people who are also victims of it, as well as doesn’t appropriately contextualize why women are often the focus of this behavior. If someone is vulnerable because they aren’t as physically strong, because they don’t have as much social power or clout, or because they don’t have allies, then they will be the recipient of this kind of behavior or response to asserting their power instead of opting for appeasement behaviors.
See also:
- Abusers all use the same playbook. They rely on breaking the rules of the social contract that everyone else agrees is reasonable.
- The benefit of the doubt is part of the social contract that keeps things better for everyone, overall. People like this? They live their entire lives skating by in everyone else’s margin of error. They’re basically parasites living on the social contract that exists to benefit everyone.
- People who abuse social niceties are shocked when others stop being nice
- Some abusers hate when you try to defend yourself or argue with them
- Abusers and manipulators use the social contract and your empathy/kindness/good heart against you
- “Anger is part of the ‘checks and balances’ system inherent to our social contracts. …the feeling and show of anger acts as a deterrent for another person or group, reminding the other party that their own aggression will be met with consequences.” – Mark Sisson
- Enforcing boundaries is incredibly important for upholding the social contract
- Once a person shows that they don’t give a shit about the social contract and have no shame about throwing adult temper tantrums in public, it kind of frees you from giving a shit about what they think of you
- Narcissistic Trespass: many toxic people enjoy getting away with violating rules and social norms
- ‘What they’re doing is called “narcissistic trespass”. Basically, this person gets off on violating social norms because it makes them feel powerful. They are also showing you he or she doesn’t have empathy for others, and that they are deeply entitled. You aren’t currently the target of these but date them long enough and you will. This person enjoys powering over others. One day that will be you.’ – u/invah adapted from a comment I made under an alt 3 years ago
- Society relies on the idea that we can trust each other, more or less—and we can, more or less
- The benefit of the doubt, and our internal models of reality
- What is a functional system?