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The clarion call of “because we’re family” doesn’t just trap victims of abusive families.

It also traps employees, by positioning the company/business/corporation as something you should be loyal to, sacrifice for, and have no boundaries against.

“We’re like family!” they proudly inform you in the job interview.

And it sounds amazing. We hear “family” and think of people who support each other, people you can trust, people who have your back.

But, just as in abusive families, “family” only goes one way.

In what they expect from you.
In what business norms they expect you to ignore.
In re-defining “fair treatment”.

They expect your loyalty to the company and managers…but probably don’t demonstrate their ‘loyalty’ to you. Places like this usually expect you to be available with no notice, or to stay late to ‘help’, or to ‘pitch in’ on things having nothing to do with your actual job.

How can you tell it is toxic?

Because you don’t get to make your own decisions. You don’t get to ask for loyalty, for help. They believe that merely working at the company is as good, if not better than money. Because they enforce a fiction where everyone is there because they love the company, and not because they need a paycheck to actually function in society and live. They may take a paternalistic attitude toward you, as the arbiter of what is best for you.

You aren’t in a relationship of near-equals where a qualified and skilled individual is exchanging their time and work-product for money.

When companies sell a prospective employee on their benefits package, they don’t include “the privilege of being a member of the family” or “Friday bagel mornings”. They include health insurance, paid time off, sick days – things that translate to either money or direct monetary value.

They’ve created an alternate reality.

Instead of filial piety, it’s corporate piety; a way to make the employees of a business or company feel obligated to their employer above and beyond what is normal and reasonable. It’s a way of fostering compliance and obedience.

And it’s typically a way to justify spending less money: less raises, less actual benefits.

It weirdly shifts the power dynamic, and the employee has less agency than they might otherwise have.

• Who is the arbiter of the relationship?
• Who is allowed to perform anger?
• Who enacts double-standards?
• Who is able to take perspective for the other person?
• Who has empathy?
• Whose hurt/pain takes priority?
• Who is entitled?
• Who respects boundaries?
• Whose needs or wants take priority?
• Who listens?
• Who interrupts?

I was listening to a video this morning, when I heard this:

“If I have a sense of entitlement, it’s primarily shown in my complaining and in my lack of gratitude. And the less entitled I am, the more I’m grateful and the less I complain.” – Mike Winger

And I realized that THIS is the link between entitlement and complaining, and therefore possibly indicative of a controlling abuse template.

I’ve typically referred to this type of toxicity as critical/negative/judgmental, and when you combine that orientation with unreasonable entitlement, you often get abusive and/or controlling behaviors.

If they can brainwash you, gaslight you, or convince you, they’ll have weaponized you against yourself and it can be more effective than the original abuse. Not just because it’s 24/7…but because it’s in your own voice.

One of the biggest predictors of whether someone is unsafe is whether or not they respect boundaries and whether or not they will stop.

A lot of unsafe people won’t stop because they feel justified/entitled to do what they are doing, or because their feelings are more important, always.

They often have to have the last word.

It might feel satisfying to think that there is something you can say or do to make them understand, or to ‘win’, or to have the last word.

But it is often literally impossible with this kind of person because they will almost always out-escalate you.

And you can’t get them to understand your perspective much less agree on reality.

Unsafe people are unsafe.

…and believe you should treat someone according to the societal “role” they have in your life regardless of whether the relationship actually exists.

This puts a victim in the position of having to honor societal ‘obligations’ to a harmful person who mis-used their role to harm the victim

…claim advantages and benefit from them, and basically demand their target ‘honor the letter, not the spirit of the law’. They want the rules to apply to the person they are coercing, while demanding grace – or having given themselves permission – for not having followed those rules in the first place.

One of the most interesting things to me is how abuse dynamics and political dynamics often mirror each other.

So in an abusive relationship, the abuser is often very “rules for thee but not for me” – engaging in double standards – basically, using the agreed upon construct against the victim but never adhering to it themselves.

And in politics there’s actually a really good quote explaining something similar.

It’s from Francis M. Wilhoit, and he said, “There are in-groups whom the laws protect but do not bind, and there are out-groups whom the laws bind but do not protect.” And essentially that’s the dynamic in an abusive relationship.

You are the group, as the victim, that the laws bind but don’t protect, and the abuser is the group that the laws protect but don’t bind.

And why is that? It’s because of who has power. When you have a person in a position of power who misuses that power against other people at their expense and for their own benefit, they’re engaging in abusive behaviors.

Not everybody in a position of power does this, but people in a position of power very commonly do this.

And in a relationship – it could be a friendship, it could be a romantic relationship – you’ll have somebody who’s trying to put themselves in a position of power above you. They’ve made themselves judge, jury, and executioner.

The thing is, as the arbiter of the relationship, they are having to get you to agree that they are the arbiter of the relationship, that their version of reality is correct and that you are wrong.

And that’s why these dynamics are so mental. That’s why there’s so much argument, and you have these circular arguments that are going over and over again. But each time you think, “Oh, we resolved the issue. We had this great discussion and now it’s resolved,” and no, it circles back.

You’re having the same argument or a different version of the same argument, or just arguments in general over and over and over again.

The circular arguments are such a good example of the fact that you are in an abuse dynamic. It’s not just “oh, we have our ups and downs.”

You are competing over whose version of reality is the version of reality everyone’s going to act as if it is correct.

And abusers, they know on some level that their version of reality is not correct, because if they didn’t know that, they would think, “Oh no, I don’t want to deal with this person. I’m going to go be in a relationship with someone who understands reality.” But no, they stay and try to make you believe something different. They try to control your perspective on the relationship. They try to control your perspective on yourself. They try to control your perspective on them. They engage in a lot of image management, narrative control.

All of this, really, is about defining reality, not just to the victim but to people outside the relationship.

And so it’s very confusing when you’re the victim and you are taking everything at face value. When someone you care about presents an argument wrapped in moral principles, it naturally makes sense to you, so you accept it. But then when you try to apply that same moral standard consistently – expecting it to work both ways – the abuser shifts the rules. And then the abuser flips it around on you: “Oh no, it doesn’t apply to me for this reason,” or “Oh, you’re weaponizing this against me.” and you don’t get to protect yourself.

And from the victim, they’re trying to establish an integrated understanding of reality.

The abuser’s understanding of reality is “I’m right. Things that make me feel good, the things that I want, those are my needs, and whatever I need to do to obtain those things is valid and justified.” They’ve given themselves permission to mistreat you.

They do not have a comprehensive view of reality from an objective external sense.

It all revolves around themselves, their inner self, their ego, their selfishness.

So when you have these arguments coming back up over and over again, it’s because you’re trying to establish an objective foundation that works equally for both people, and that’s fundamentally opposed to an abuser’s internal goals.

That’s why they are pushing so hard to make you start to defer to them in terms of what is reality, what is right and wrong, and who is making healthy or good choices in the relationship dynamic. Whether it’s a friendship, a romantic relationship, a coworker, it looks the same. They are the ones who are in a position over, they are the ones in charge, they are the ones with status, they are the ones with power, and they don’t want to use that power responsibly, they want to use it to obtain what they want.

And that’s why they’re very “rules for thee but not for me.”

That’s why they engage in double-standards.

You are in the relational outgroup, whom the rules bind but do not protect.

And the abuser is the person whom the rules protect but do not bind.

Double-standards show who has power in a relationship.

People want to feel a specific emotion.

The emotion is different for everyone – some people like feeling angry (and interpret that as feeling ’empowered’), some people like feeling happy, some like feeling sad, some like feeling like a badass, some people like feeling like a part of a group – and that may change throughout one’s life or even one’s day.

And we use different methods to achieve this internal state.

So we might listen to specific music or watch a favorite TV show or read a beloved book. Attend festivals or burns. Go to sporting events or clubs. Use drugs or alcohol.

…but you might also like being around a specific person.

(I think it’s important to note that there are people making all the media we consume.)

Like everything, of course, this exists on a spectrum.

It’s normal to want to be around people you feel happy with, for example, but there is the other end of the spectrum where someone turns another person into their ’emotion generator’.

So if someone is turning you into an emotion generator, they’re going to resist when you don’t perform the emotion they want to feel.

• A toxic parent, for example, who wants to feel like a good parent, ‘needs’ their child to perform happiness so that they can feel the feeling they want.

• Or an abusive spouse who wants to feel like they are a good person ‘needs’ their victim to perform happiness. Or maybe they want to feel powerful and they want their victim to perform fear.

And I think this is why they get so upset when they know you are pretending.

Someone who enjoys that you are betraying yourself by performing an emotion you don’t feel may not care, and that just feeds into their sense of power. But a surprising number of abusers want the victim to BE what they want the victim to be, not just enact it.

It’s like they can’t achieve the emotional state they want if they know the victim is ‘faking’ it.

So when we’re looking at people and the choices they’re making, they’re often making those choices because they’re chasing an emotion. They’re looking for a ‘hit’ of the way they want to feel.

Instead of, for instance, seeing emotions as an ebb and flow – waves that wash up around us and then pull back – they want to feel that way all of the time.

And they externalize the source of their emotion instead of generating it within themselves. It’s not bad, per se, but it’s a trap. And it can lead to turning another person into an appliance, a process, then getting angry with them when they don’t provide the ‘hit’.

And so now when I see arenas of sports fans or a crowd at a music festival or people dressed up for a renaissance fair, I see people who are trying to channel a feeling.

Because it is easier to achieve when you are in en masse, with others who are seeking the same feeling. The same communion. The same ‘energy’ or emotional presence.

If someone identifies you as a source, they will ‘colonize’ more and more of you: of your time, of your energy, of your mind

…not understanding that a person can’t operate in that mode 24/7. Part of the reason we can be generous with ourselves and our emotions is that we aren’t ‘dispensing’ it constantly and endlessly.

But unsafe people and abusers want you to and then get angry when you don’t.

They’re honestly like toddlers who – delighted – say “again!” and clap their hands. They can metaphorically watch “Cars” 200 times, because they want to feel the same feelings again, over and over, or – in this case – message you into oblivion and want to be around you 24/7.

Once you’ve become their drug, you are no longer a person.

And ‘taking it away’ (or having boundaries) incites rage because they’re like an addict who ‘needs’ a fix.

Whether its of your love, your attention, your fear, your deference – whatever – they escalate until they can coerce or force you into providing it again, and then they can relax.

You are playing the role in a play they’ve assigned you.

You are teddy.

You are the husband, wife, child, or friend appliance that is working again.

They also demand complete authority but make everything the victim’s responsibility.

And finally, they will continue to outline all the ways you are ‘wrong’, trying to make you change and submit, but won’t leave you (unless it’s to punish or discard you).

Whenever you are in an abuse dynamic, you and the abuser are essentially competing over whose version of reality is considered real in the relationship.

Once you start to ‘accept’ the abuser’s version of reality, you will be more and more confused because the abuser’s reality is a fantasy while reality is still real.

The better thing to do is to recognize when you and another person’s experience of reality does not overlap enough.

So many victims of abuse are arguing with the abuser over what is reality, when what is actually happening is that they cannot tolerate reality. The abuser cannot control reality but they can force or coerce you into pretending their fantasy is real: it’s The Emperor Has No Clothes.

A person who is actually caring about you cares about your feelings, your perspective, and creates space for you both in the relationship.

Abusers make you ‘pledge allegiance’ to them or to ‘love’ or something, whereas healthy people understand that we are all individuals even when we are in relationship with each other.

The key thing about this ‘subtype’ of abuser is how they weaponize the healthy relationship paradigm at you.

They aren’t working together with you, they are using relationship and abuse tools as a cover to seem like the ‘healthy’ person over you. When in reality, a healthy person – when presented with an unsafe person – would distance themselves, and a healthy person doesn’t seek to dominate others.

One thing that was a surprise to me was learning how much people overlook assholes and bad behavior because they want to keep having fun and keep the group intact.

Incidents where ‘friends’ in the group side with someone who harmed you lets you know who is a friend and who is an acquaintance. I didn’t really understand that, I had a binary approach to people: friend/not friend. And people will call you a friend when really you’re just friendly acquaintances.

So when a ‘friend’ doesn’t treat you like a friend, it’s like “AH, okay, this is just someone who is friend-shaped because we have fun together in a group.” The group is the relationship.

I’ve always loved this from u/smcf33:

“The things about groups of all kinds is that their primary goal is usually continuing their own existence.”