Victims and targets of abuse often beat themselves up for believing an abuser or giving them the benefit of the doubt, of believing that they are flawed or stupid in some way for doing so.
It’s the process of abuse all over again
…blaming ourselves for something that isn’t our fault; focusing on ourselves instead of the abuser.
What is abuse?
Abuse is something that takes advantage of our natural human instincts.
It is natural, normal, and beneficial to care about others
…to tell the truth the people we care about, and to give people the benefit of the doubt. We can learn tools to help ourselves with discernment or having good boundaries, etc. but we are not intrinsically ‘wrong’ for opening our heart to someone.
We just have to figure out how to do that while keeping our wholeness and by maintaining an adaptive model of who the other person is
(e.g. updating our perspective on ‘who they are’ based on what they DO versus what they tell us).
That’s where getting better at vetting people and then being able to protect ourselves and act on our own behalf comes in. We don’t have to open ourselves wide to everyone (and as we heal, we don’t feel compelled to do that) and as we practice incremental vulnerability, we can recognize danger signs, and then disengage and protect ourselves.
The better you get at vetting people, taking things in stages, and paying attention to how they treat you and others, the more confident you can be about being able to protect yourself and stay in “wholeness”, you just recognize that everyone shouldn’t have access to it.
Vetting is such a huge part of safety, and it is what victims of abuse skip when they rush the dating stage and jump right into a relationship. Or rush a friendship or business partnership. We have to see how people treat us over time.
It takes patience, which is hard when we get excited about someone and the possibilities we see with them.
I learned this one the hard way. I had this hole in my heart that I was trying to fill with the love of others, and so I was open to everyone and vulnerable to people I shouldn’t have been.