I was interpreting intense emotional attachment mixed with vulnerability mixed with good sex and some fun times as love.
But we do know what love is underneath all of that, because we keep trying to give it to the abuser, but it only ever goes one way.
Because love requires allowing another person to be themselves, love means pouring our goodness out on each other, love isn’t based in control, love is ultimately respect. Complete respect for another person as a human being and their respect for us.
Whereas the abuser’s ‘love’ erases us, controls us, conforms us to their image of who we ‘should’ be.
And they enforce it with physical and emotional abuse.
If you think about it, did they really show you love?
Or was it attention mixed with care at first? They start off that way, but think about it. How can they love you if they don’t even know you? They act out what love is at first, and the more you ‘belong’ to them, the less ‘loving’ they are.
Love is grown over time.
We become more of who we are, not less. We become our best selves, not our worst.
If it isn’t that, it isn’t love.
I knew he was abusive very early on, but I thought he loved me, and that I loved him, so I wasn’t able to emotionally disconnect. Once I realized it wasn’t love is when I started making progress on being able to let go.
For me, knowing he was abusive wasn’t enough, I had to know it wasn’t love even though it was the most intense relationship of my life.
I was interpreting all of his actions through the lens that he loved me, he just didn’t know ‘how’ to love me. Once that lens was gone, and I realized he didn’t love me and didn’t even know what love is, I was able to see him for what he truly is, and his actions for what they were: selfish attempts to colonize my mind, my heart, my life, and my soul.
He didn’t value me as an actual person with my own mind and thoughts and beliefs and feelings.