…and that this (what victims learned to survive in a hostile social structure in which they have low status) is what indicates to other abusers that this person is ‘safe’ to abuse.
This Instagram post on why kids choose friends who mistreat them comes from a perspective of kids who are afraid of rejection. Which. I’m not saying that’s wrong, per se.
I just think we’re talking about the idea of hierarchy and status without realizing it, and ‘building self-esteem’ essentially builds someone’s position within the hierarchy.
What developing someone’s self-esteem does is give themself permission to exist, to feel entitled to take up space, to assert themselves on their own behalf.
For children, the person who helps them ‘build their self-esteem’ is likely the person who will be their advocate.
That child knows they have back-up when dealing with an unfair teacher or classroom bullying.
It isn’t just that they now ‘have self-esteem’, it’s that they have social protection.
Victims of abuse, especially if that abuse began with a parent, learn to submit to survive. To essentially erase themselves. Those submission behaviors keep you alive in the shorter-term, but it’s hard to turn them off when you go outside or go to school. So a child victim of abuse goes into school accidentally and unintentionally signalling they will tolerate mistreatment, because that is what they have learned to do to survive.
But isn’t that what makes a maladaptive coping mechanism?
What helps you survive in the abuse or dysfunctional dynamic is a liability outside of it.
I think it’s pretty clear that people give themselves permission to mistreat others based on their personal value system.
That mistreatment signals to that person that they are ‘low status’ within the ‘pack’.
This may be why the classic old-school advice to give children was to punch a bully in the face, and to not ‘take it’ lying down.
The violence or threat thereof is a status conflict in disguise.
Those who don’t experience the consequences of their actions have the most status.