As u/ greenlizardhands has identified, so often victims of abuse apply information in the wrong direction. They learn that ‘love is patient, love is kind’, and then worry about whether they are patient or kind enough with someone – an abuser – who is being anything BUT patient or kind.
If, instead, they applied the ‘rule’ to the abuser, they could potentially see that the abuser does not love them. Because it’s not a rule, it’s a rubric – it’s a way to determine whether something is, not a prescription for how it should be. It’s descriptive, not prescriptive.
For the victim who is often so used to attempting to be Ultimate GoodnessTM, it’s good to look inward regarding how the relationship makes them feel and who they are becoming versus whether they are being enough, doing enough, good enough. To consider if the relationship is building them up or breaking them down.
And to think about who they are becoming with their days – in their mind, their heart, and way of being.
And the answer in every abuse dynamic is that you eventually become worse. Because a victim simply can never actually meet the abuser’s ‘needs’. The abuser’s ‘need’ is to have someone to abuse. Because it establishes in reality the fantasy the abuser wishes was real, because it reinforces an abuser’s identity to themselves, because the dynamic itself is not a means but an end.