u/Polenicus
Forgiveness is a result of healing, not the cause.
Amends can speed healing.
“Forgiveness” has become a kind of polluted concept. It used to be something you sought and earned. Now, in many cases, it’s expected of you, as something the person who has wronged you is entitled to, by virtue of having wronged you in the first place. Them committing a crime against you obligates you to them.
There is a mystique that has sprung up around forgiveness. That somehow it will heal the wounds caused by the person who has inflicted them, even if they do not change, and that if you forgive someone enough, it can even magically redeem them. That the sooner and faster you forgive someone, the sooner you can bask in this healing boon.
There is no magical healing power of forgiveness. It is a natural part of the road to healing, yes, but it comes after our wounds are healed, and we are entitled to all the rage and anger and sorrow that comes before. Forgiveness is not absolution. Forgiveness is a result of healing, not the cause.
Amends can speed the healing. Amends can have this almost magical effect society ascribes to forgiveness. If someone who has wronged you acknowledges what they have done, expresses regret, and makes real efforts to change their ways, it can soothe even the worst wounds, mend broken families. This is something on those who wrong us can do, and true amends are rare.
But, it’s gotten all turned around somehow. They put the burden on the victim, to somehow forgive the crime away, to redeem their abuser, and they are looked down on when they can’t or won’t.
u/Issendai
We’re often trapped by our virtues, not our vices.
“…if you’re stuck and trying to figure out what’s keeping you in, remember that people rarely get stuck because of their vices. They’re usually caught by their virtues.”
–from Qualities That Keep You in a Sick System
Missing-Missing Reasons
Posts in estranged parents’ forums are vague. Members recount stories with the fewest possible details, the least possible context. They don’t recreate entire scenes, repeat entire conversations, give entire text exchanges; they paraphrase hours of conversation away. The only element they describe in detail is their own grief or rage. Nor do the other members press them for more information.
Compare this with the forums for adult children of abusers, where the members not only cut-and-paste email exchanges into their posts, they take photos of handwritten letters and screenshot text conversations. They recreate scenes in detail, and if the details don’t add up, the other members question them about it. They get annoyed when a member’s paraphrase changes the meaning of a sentence, or when omitted details change the meaning of a meeting. They care about precision, context, and history.
The difference isn’t a matter of style, it’s a split between two ways of perceiving the world. In one worldview, emotion is king. Details exist to support emotion. If a member gives one set of details to describe how angry she is about a past event, and a few days later gives a contradictory set of details to describe how sad she is about the same event, both versions are legitimate because both emotions are legitimate.
Context is malleable because the full picture may not support the member’s emotion. If a member adds details that undermine her emotion, the other members considerately ignore them.
Emotion creates reality.
In the second worldview, reality creates emotion. Members want the full picture so they can decide whether the poster’s emotions are justified. Small details can change the entire tenor of a forum’s response; members see a distinction between “She said I’m worthless” and “She said something that made me feel worthless.” Members recognize that unjustified emotions (like supersensitivity due to trauma, or irritation with another person that colors the view of everything the person does) are real and deserve respect, but they also believe that unjustified emotions shouldn’t be acted on. They show posters different ways to view the situation and give advice on how to handle the emotions. In short, they believe that external events create emotional responses, that only some responses are justified, that people’s initial perceptions of events are often flawed, and that understanding external events can help people understand and manage emotions.
The first viewpoint, “emotion creates reality,” is truth for a great many people. Not a healthy truth, not a truth that promotes good relationships, but a deep, lived truth nonetheless. It’s seductive. It means that whatever you’re feeling is just and right, that you’re never in the wrong unless you feel you’re in the wrong. For people whose self-image is so battered and fragile that they can’t bear anything but validation, often it feels like the only way they can face the world.
–excerpted from Missing-Missing Reasons
Assistance v. Enabling
“Assistance is what you give someone when they’re ready to get help. Enabling is what you give someone to keep them from hitting rock bottom.” –comment
u/dankoblamo
Definition of Respect
“Respect is when you treat something that matters like it matters, and disrespect is when you treat something that matters like it doesn’t matter.”
(updating)