The new research by Kristen Neff (note: this article is from 9 years ago) on self-compassion is compelling; but it is in direct and problematic contrast to demonizing self-esteem, and blaming ‘the self-esteem movement’ for ‘a generation of narcissists’.
This comes from a flawed understanding of self-esteem
…the belief that self-esteem’s purpose and function is to make someone feel better about themselves.
Self-esteem is actually a barometer of self-efficacy beliefs: the extent or strength of one’s belief in one’s own ability to complete tasks and reach goals.1
Here again we see people flip cause-and-effect: self-esteem is actually a result of learning competency and capability; it is, in effect, the structure that self-trust creates. Self-esteem is not in opposition to self-compassion, self-compassion is actually required for healthy self-esteem.
This intersects with another misunderstanding of human development, which is that people (usually children) need to fail.
What best prepares kids to deal with failure is not earlier failure, but earlier success.
What best equips kids to deal with challenging circumstances seems to be a combination of being loved unconditionally, having the chance to make decisions while still a child, and knowing that your parents can provide guidance and wisdom when necessary.
More broadly, what best prepares kids to deal with failure is not earlier failure, but earlier success.
A great deal of psychological research shows that when kids are left to fail, first of all, the main message they take away is that their parent could have helped them but didn’t. And, second, that he or she is incapable of dealing with challenges, so kids come often to see themselves as failures and then they avoid more challenging situations as a result.
So, the idea that if kids stumble and screw up, they’re gonna pick themselves up and dust themselves off and say, ‘By golly, now I have the skills and determination to try even harder next time!’ could charitably be described as a conservative fairy tale.”
-Alfie Kohn
Self-esteem is the conceptualization of a child’s relationship to their self
…their belief in their intrinsic ability to effectively exist in, and adapt to, the world; and an indicator of what they have learned about their value and self-worth, whether they can trust themselves, and whether others have trusted and believed in them.
Self-esteem is about whether you are capable and can rely on yourself.
Self-compassion is about whether you have compassion for yourself as a human being.
The two concepts are required in concert for healthy identity and belief building.
1 Ormrod, J. E. (2006). Educational psychology: Developing learners (5th ed.). Upper Saddle River, N.J.: Pearson/Merrill Prentice Hall.