This is mine

I am reaching the point in my personal process where I am starting to consistently see things in context of whether something is mine

…particularly feelings. This is not surprising when you consider that the process of abuse depends on violating someone else’s boundaries and convincing the victim to violate or abandon their own.

Abuse is a misuse of power over someone else, at their expense, for the abuser’s own benefit/gain.
Abusers control.
Victims take responsibility.

Abuse requires stealing the victim’s autonomy:

• holding unreasonable, entitlement-beliefs;
• acting selfishly on those beliefs at the expense of another;
• and where you have power-over another in that they cannot effectively set boundaries/leave/reject or rebuke your actions;
• the other person has no choice but to swallow unfairness
• because they effectively have no agency

…while convincing them to take responsibility. (Even though responsibility requires autonomy!)

Cognitive distortions, self-delusions, projection, gaslighting, alloplastic defenses, defining are all processes of displacement, of saying “this feeling is not mine, it is yours” or “that feeling is not yours, it is mine”.

Victims and abusers, both, have a distorted perspective on what actually belongs to which person.

This is why boundary-work is so incredibly important for those involved in the abuse dynamic; knowing where you end and someone else begins is so fundamental, yet fundamentally compromised.

For me, this involves expanding my ability to tolerate distress even when I know or believe I can fix/change/make something better for someone else. That’s not mine to fix. Even if I feel anxiety about it. Jumping in ignores the other person’s autonomy, and is controlling, even if well-intentioned.

It also involves expanding my ability to recognize my own emotional state and not project my fears/insecurities/discomfort onto other people. I found myself interpreting someone else’s actions through the prism of my insecurities, and realized that I was projecting them onto this other person. I certainly had Reasons, but they were wholly driven by my lack of self-awareness: this feeling belongs to me.

It was also a function of not trusting the other person to maintain their boundaries, to exercise their autonomy and self-awareness; to make decisions/communicate. That is not mine, either.

This is mine.
That is yours.

I am responsible for what is mine; I am not responsible for what is yours.
You are responsible for what is yours; you are not responsible for what is mine.

An incredibly simple paradigm that I am having to learn and apply so that I can functionally move forward in healthy relationships.