hat if we just explain enough and show up enough and care enough and try enough, that the other person will understand and then therefore shift their behavior.
But the learning process is actually based on modeling.
It’s why it’s so important to surround yourself with the people who are living and embodying what you want to incorporate into your own life. It isn’t that they are ‘mentoring’ you or explaining things, it’s that the way they live their life – that itself – is impactful.
So it is important to understand that it is kind to set boundaries.
A lot of victims of abuse hate doing this – and I’ve been there, I’m speaking from experience! – victims of abuse can feel ‘mean’ if they create consequences for non-optimal behavior.
Abusers thrive in conditions where they are prevented from experiencing the consequences of their own actions.
The are also robbed of the possibility of change when that happens. That’s why people who don’t rock the boat end up “walking on eggshells” and perpetuating abuse dynamics.
Becoming a shock absorber doesn’t eliminate the shocks.
–
…because communication is founded on the idea that someone can perspective-take for us. And then at least respect our perspective even if they disagree with it.
Unsafe and toxic people really struggle with both of these concepts.