“Who has time for this?” – ‘putting up’ with disrespect

One of the most important things I learned from my current bosses is the ability ‘to let that which doesn’t matter truly slide’.¹

Everyone I work for is not only a leader in their respective fields, but they are also people of significant influence in the area in which I live. And their ability to deal with stress – on matters that impact anywhere from tens of thousands to millions of people – is near unflappable.

Part of that is because they know how to fix things.

But a significant factor is that they are simply too busy to take shit personally.

If there is one thing I have noticed over the years about victims of abuse as well as abusers is how drastically self-centered self-focused they often are. They are thinking about themselves in some capacity all. the. time.

Obviously there are nuances depending on what the personal situation is, and there is a point for victims of abuse where it is important and needed and necessary for them to do so: after having centered an abuser for so long, it is important to re-center yourself in your own experience.

But one of the biggest aha moments I had was realizing that not everyone experiences everything in relation to themselves.

This includes people acting like assholes toward them. Disrespect. Bullshittery.

Their vibe is very much [rolls eyes] “anyway”.

I’m not saying they don’t feel annoyed and frustrated in the moment. But they are remarkably action-oriented and their thought process is essentially “What do I need to do here?” and it might be nothing or it might be some kind of hand-holding and acquiescence or it might be (usually privately) setting a boundary or enforcing something.

So when I have fucked up at work in the past, and I am all up in my head obsessing about it, literally drowning in anxiety, they are like “What? Don’t do that again. This is why we do [thing].”

…and then we all move on. The amount of time they spend thinking about me and my actions, or anyone else and their actions, is minuscule. Quite simply, they are too busy for nonsense and have shit to do. Their ego is not on the line, they don’t feel a need to validate themselves, they are literally just trying to get shit done so they can relax and enjoy their time with their family on their ‘off’ time.

The biggest mistake I see obsessive people making is that they have not enough happening in their lives.

And so issues with one relationship or a thing at work or a friend or something at the store takes on outsized importance.

I have definitely changed the way I approach situations over the years as a result of what I have learned from them.

My aversion to high conflict people and ‘drama’ is now very high; I do not have the emotional energy for that shit and I do not want to spend my time focused on people who are determined to bring out the worst in everyone and every situation anyway.

From where I’m sitting, and from what I have learned from my bosses, high conflict people do not have perspective.

The amount of give-a-shits I have for someone with a competitive instead of cooperative mindset, especially with regard to my family, is so low as to be below ground. If you don’t want to respect the feelings and experience of the person you say you love, if you want to create conflict around literally every. single. thing. – you do you, boo.

But I do not need to be involved.

Have. other. shit. going. on.

And then their ridiculous actions and behaviors and demands are in appropriate context and perspective. Because, honestly, who has time for this nonsense? And also: reality can take care of itself.

Their ‘disrespect’ has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.

And I’m busy. You should be, too. True friends know your character and trust you, and if not? Next. On its face, that makes it seem like friends are disposable but the outcome is actually that you have incredibly long-term friendships because the people who aren’t real-real aren’t people you keep around or engage with.

Same thing with dating. If they spend so much time trying to argue with you and change how you are and what you think/believe? Fucking next. That just means you aren’t a good fit and are not compatible and do not share the same values.

We’re giving unstable people the benefit of the doubt when in reality we need to be distancing ourselves.

And so you don’t take anything personally, you take it as important information to act on, you respect boundaries and appropriately assert and enforce your own, and you don’t let one person’s perspective of you determine your self-concept (especially if they are an unreliable narrator).

No one person is your ‘mirror’ because you have enough other people you get feedback from.

You have your own sense of yourself in which you are grounded.

What helps the most is having a ‘rubric’ that allows you to make decisions without getting sucked in to someone’s exercise in image management and control.

With my abusive ex, he would try to convince me of all kinds of things. Instead of arguing, I’m going to agree where I can –

You know what? I agree that our dynamic is not healthy and that there is abuse present. We do not agree on reality. The appropriate and safe thing to do here is to not be together.

It’s a form of ‘confrontational jiu-jitsu’.

Find where you agree, determine the safe outcome, don’t get attached to their opinion and perspective of you, and be firm on your boundaries. With the exception of my abusive ex I’ve been getting pretty solid on boundaries, and even there I have made a lot of progress.

And you’ll see that they are their own karma.

Like I said in the other post, losing you is their karma. Being that way is their karma. Being surrounded by toxic people who put up with their B.S. or whom they don’t respect is their karma.

And meanwhile?

You are too busy with real shit and living life to put all your validation and sense of self on this one person.

_____.

¹ Quote from Chuck Palahniuk’s “Fight Club”: attributed to the character of Tyler Durden.