Category: Uncategorized

People want to feel a specific emotion.

The emotion is different for everyone – some people like feeling angry (and interpret that as feeling ’empowered’), some people like feeling happy, some like feeling sad, some like feeling like a badass, some people like feeling like a part of a group – and that may change throughout one’s life or even one’s day.

And we use different methods to achieve this internal state.

So we might listen to specific music or watch a favorite TV show or read a beloved book. Attend festivals or burns. Go to sporting events or clubs. Use drugs or alcohol.

…but you might also like being around a specific person.

(I think it’s important to note that there are people making all the media we consume.)

Like everything, of course, this exists on a spectrum.

It’s normal to want to be around people you feel happy with, for example, but there is the other end of the spectrum where someone turns another person into their ’emotion generator’.

So if someone is turning you into an emotion generator, they’re going to resist when you don’t perform the emotion they want to feel.

• A toxic parent, for example, who wants to feel like a good parent, ‘needs’ their child to perform happiness so that they can feel the feeling they want.

• Or an abusive spouse who wants to feel like they are a good person ‘needs’ their victim to perform happiness. Or maybe they want to feel powerful and they want their victim to perform fear.

And I think this is why they get so upset when they know you are pretending.

Someone who enjoys that you are betraying yourself by performing an emotion you don’t feel may not care, and that just feeds into their sense of power. But a surprising number of abusers want the victim to BE what they want the victim to be, not just enact it.

It’s like they can’t achieve the emotional state they want if they know the victim is ‘faking’ it.

So when we’re looking at people and the choices they’re making, they’re often making those choices because they’re chasing an emotion. They’re looking for a ‘hit’ of the way they want to feel.

Instead of, for instance, seeing emotions as an ebb and flow – waves that wash up around us and then pull back – they want to feel that way all of the time.

And they externalize the source of their emotion instead of generating it within themselves. It’s not bad, per se, but it’s a trap. And it can lead to turning another person into an appliance, a process, then getting angry with them when they don’t provide the ‘hit’.

And so now when I see arenas of sports fans or a crowd at a music festival or people dressed up for a renaissance fair, I see people who are trying to channel a feeling.

Because it is easier to achieve when you are in en masse, with others who are seeking the same feeling. The same communion. The same ‘energy’ or emotional presence.

If someone identifies you as a source, they will ‘colonize’ more and more of you: of your time, of your energy, of your mind

…not understanding that a person can’t operate in that mode 24/7. Part of the reason we can be generous with ourselves and our emotions is that we aren’t ‘dispensing’ it constantly and endlessly.

But unsafe people and abusers want you to and then get angry when you don’t.

They’re honestly like toddlers who – delighted – say “again!” and clap their hands. They can metaphorically watch “Cars” 200 times, because they want to feel the same feelings again, over and over, or – in this case – message you into oblivion and want to be around you 24/7.

Once you’ve become their drug, you are no longer a person.

And ‘taking it away’ (or having boundaries) incites rage because they’re like an addict who ‘needs’ a fix.

Whether its of your love, your attention, your fear, your deference – whatever – they escalate until they can coerce or force you into providing it again, and then they can relax.

You are playing the role in a play they’ve assigned you.

You are teddy.

You are the husband, wife, child, or friend appliance that is working again.

They also demand complete authority but make everything the victim’s responsibility.

And finally, they will continue to outline all the ways you are ‘wrong’, trying to make you change and submit, but won’t leave you (unless it’s to punish or discard you).

Whenever you are in an abuse dynamic, you and the abuser are essentially competing over whose version of reality is considered real in the relationship.

Once you start to ‘accept’ the abuser’s version of reality, you will be more and more confused because the abuser’s reality is a fantasy while reality is still real.

The better thing to do is to recognize when you and another person’s experience of reality does not overlap enough.

So many victims of abuse are arguing with the abuser over what is reality, when what is actually happening is that they cannot tolerate reality. The abuser cannot control reality but they can force or coerce you into pretending their fantasy is real: it’s The Emperor Has No Clothes.

A person who is actually caring about you cares about your feelings, your perspective, and creates space for you both in the relationship.

Abusers make you ‘pledge allegiance’ to them or to ‘love’ or something, whereas healthy people understand that we are all individuals even when we are in relationship with each other.

The key thing about this ‘subtype’ of abuser is how they weaponize the healthy relationship paradigm at you.

They aren’t working together with you, they are using relationship and abuse tools as a cover to seem like the ‘healthy’ person over you. When in reality, a healthy person – when presented with an unsafe person – would distance themselves, and a healthy person doesn’t seek to dominate others.

One thing that was a surprise to me was learning how much people overlook assholes and bad behavior because they want to keep having fun and keep the group intact.

Incidents where ‘friends’ in the group side with someone who harmed you lets you know who is a friend and who is an acquaintance. I didn’t really understand that, I had a binary approach to people: friend/not friend. And people will call you a friend when really you’re just friendly acquaintances.

So when a ‘friend’ doesn’t treat you like a friend, it’s like “AH, okay, this is just someone who is friend-shaped because we have fun together in a group.” The group is the relationship.

I’ve always loved this from u/smcf33:

“The things about groups of all kinds is that their primary goal is usually continuing their own existence.”

One of the biggest questions for victims of abuse is “Why me?”

“Why did this person hurt me? What did I do? What what did I do to deserve this?”

And the most important answer to that question is “nothing”.

The abuser abused you because they made the decision to take those actions that were harmful.

Even if you’re a person who is biologically compromised –

…maybe you have a hormone imbalance or something like that and you are not a safe person – you recognize, “Oh, I’m not a safe person. I don’t want to harm other people.” And so then you take actions to remove yourself.

So even if it’s not an abuser’s ‘choice’ to abuse, they’re still making choices.

Once you realize you’re a loaded gun, you put the gun away, lock it away in a gun safe. Just like we put it away so that it cannot harm people, we remove ourselves so that we do not harm people.

And so if you’re a victim of abuse and that person for whatever reason is taking those harmful actions towards you, that is because of who they are, not because of who you are.

However, we do get to a point where we go, “Okay, I really want to move forward in my life in a way that is safe and and doesn’t unintentionally leave any areas, ways, avenues, doors for these abusers to get to me or hurt me. How do I help prevent that?”

And so that’s when you’ll see the information about, for example, boundaries.

Like, “It’s good to like have good boundaries. Enforce your boundaries. Pay attention to people who violate your boundaries.”

(Unfortunately, we have a big problem in the victim community where a victim who is in an abuse dynamic or is just out of an abuse dynamic is getting this later stage information too early. They’re being told, “Why you?” “Oh, because you have bad boundaries.” No. However, later when the victim needs to feel empowered, to find a way to empower themselves to take decisions on their own behalf so that they are safe, then that boundary discussion is really important.)

But there’s another factor at play, and that is how abusers hijack your mind and then use it against you so that you end up making poor decisions that then compound.

We all know about compounding interest in financial areas: every little bit more creates more interest which compounds, and so the more you have, the more it compounds. It’s like a snowball effect but in finances.

Well, the same thing happens with our decisions.

And so, it’s very easy to take one decision that leads to the next decision that leads to the next decision and then suddenly you’re down a road you never really intended to go down.

So what I see with a lot of victims of abuse is unintentionally they are making poor decision after poor decision that compounds in these drastic ways and leads them down this path that they never would have chosen.

And why that happens is because often, if you were a child victim of abuse for example, you had your parents telling you things about yourself. They define you to yourself. They’ve put labels on you and then you as a child internalize those labels, that defining, and start to make decisions from that position.

And the thing is, this isn’t intrinsically bad.

(Meaning the process.)

I do that with my son. A good parent will do that with their child in a positive direction:

• “Wow, you really work hard. You’re a hard worker.”
• “You’re making great grades. I love what a great student you are.”
• “I see you’re being athletic and I love what a great athlete you are.”

Kids internalize these labels – “I’m a great athlete, I’m a good student, I work hard” –

…and then they make decisions in line with that identity.

As parents, we have a lot of authority and ability to shape our child’s identity. And that is not intrinsically a bad thing.

However, when you have emotionally immature people or you have abusers

…or you have just shitty parents who are using what is supposed to be a mechanism for the child’s benefit against the child – “you’re lazy”, “why are you so stupid”, “you’re such a pig”, etc. – it then wends its way into our souls.

And you hear it enough times and you start to believe it, and it’s a form of brainwashing for the child.

They’ve been defined in a very negative way and they hear the parent’s internal voice in their mind and they don’t necessarily realize that its the parent’s voice that has been programmed into them, that it’s not their own voice.

Not every voice that we hear is our voice; not every thought in our mind is our thought.

We do not need to take ownership of of the thoughts.

And I love how this works on any paradigm that you want.

If you are an atheist or you’re more psychology-driven, you’ll see the language of “depression lies”, “anxiety lies”, “fear lies”, “don’t listen to those thoughts”. Or they’ll talk about intrusive thoughts like ‘this thought came out of nowhere’.

Let’s say you’re spiritual and you could you could think of it as entities or spirit guides, and many entities are negative.

If you are a Christian it’s going to be that classic ‘good angel’ and ‘bad angel’ on your shoulder, influencing you one way or the other

…but the thing is that we internalize the abuser’s thoughts and voice when we’re in an abuse dynamic

– when our defenses are lowered – we aren’t as mentally strong and able to repel the incorrect things. To mentally defend ourselves to ourselves.

And then just over time it wears on you, and you move forward in your life with these thoughts that you may follow, and each time you follow it in that negative direction, it compounds and you make worse and worse decisions.

Sabotaged self-esteem will have you sabotaging yourself, and over and over again.

Or let’s say you give somebody a chance that – if we’re discerning – we would not have ‘given them a chance’.

Or the the way an abuser will manipulate a victim, weaponizing their own moral framework against them

…and they often do it in a way that’s during an emotionally charged period of time, so you’re not even able to engage your cognitive thinking.

They’re trying to bypass your ability to think and use your mind, and so the decisions compound just like in the financial sphere interest compounds.

The more money you have, the more interest you make. The more interest you make, the more money you have. The more money you have, the more interest you make.

The same thing for decisions.

The more good decisions you make, the more good outcomes you get, the more you have the ability to make more good decisions, the more good outcomes you get.

And the same way for the negative.

So, when you’re sitting here and you’re like “why me? why is my life like this? how did this happen?”

…sometimes it’s because that underlying programming that was thrust upon a victim is leading them to make decisions that then compound in the wrong direction.

I noticed that the friends that I made when I was in abusive relationships were not friends, whereas the friends that I made when I was living my best life have been great friends. And I think part of it is because of this decision compounding.

It’s hard to make good choices when you’re being abused…and the choices add up.

One of the most important things I learned from my current bosses is the ability ‘to let that which doesn’t matter truly slide’.¹

Everyone I work for is not only a leader in their respective fields, but they are also people of significant influence in the area in which I live. And their ability to deal with stress – on matters that impact anywhere from tens of thousands to millions of people – is near unflappable.

Part of that is because they know how to fix things.

But a significant factor is that they are simply too busy to take shit personally.

If there is one thing I have noticed over the years about victims of abuse as well as abusers is how drastically self-centered self-focused they often are. They are thinking about themselves in some capacity all. the. time.

Obviously there are nuances depending on what the personal situation is, and there is a point for victims of abuse where it is important and needed and necessary for them to do so: after having centered an abuser for so long, it is important to re-center yourself in your own experience.

But one of the biggest aha moments I had was realizing that not everyone experiences everything in relation to themselves.

This includes people acting like assholes toward them. Disrespect. Bullshittery.

Their vibe is very much [rolls eyes] “anyway”.

I’m not saying they don’t feel annoyed and frustrated in the moment. But they are remarkably action-oriented and their thought process is essentially “What do I need to do here?” and it might be nothing or it might be some kind of hand-holding and acquiescence or it might be (usually privately) setting a boundary or enforcing something.

So when I have fucked up at work in the past, and I am all up in my head obsessing about it, literally drowning in anxiety, they are like “What? Don’t do that again. This is why we do [thing].”

…and then we all move on. The amount of time they spend thinking about me and my actions, or anyone else and their actions, is minuscule. Quite simply, they are too busy for nonsense and have shit to do. Their ego is not on the line, they don’t feel a need to validate themselves, they are literally just trying to get shit done so they can relax and enjoy their time with their family on their ‘off’ time.

The biggest mistake I see obsessive people making is that they have not enough happening in their lives.

And so issues with one relationship or a thing at work or a friend or something at the store takes on outsized importance.

I have definitely changed the way I approach situations over the years as a result of what I have learned from them.

My aversion to high conflict people and ‘drama’ is now very high; I do not have the emotional energy for that shit and I do not want to spend my time focused on people who are determined to bring out the worst in everyone and every situation anyway.

From where I’m sitting, and from what I have learned from my bosses, high conflict people do not have perspective.

The amount of give-a-shits I have for someone with a competitive instead of cooperative mindset, especially with regard to my family, is so low as to be below ground. If you don’t want to respect the feelings and experience of the person you say you love, if you want to create conflict around literally every. single. thing. – you do you, boo.

But I do not need to be involved.

Have. other. shit. going. on.

And then their ridiculous actions and behaviors and demands are in appropriate context and perspective. Because, honestly, who has time for this nonsense? And also: reality can take care of itself.

Their ‘disrespect’ has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.

And I’m busy. You should be, too. True friends know your character and trust you, and if not? Next. On its face, that makes it seem like friends are disposable but the outcome is actually that you have incredibly long-term friendships because the people who aren’t real-real aren’t people you keep around or engage with.

Same thing with dating. If they spend so much time trying to argue with you and change how you are and what you think/believe? Fucking next. That just means you aren’t a good fit and are not compatible and do not share the same values.

We’re giving unstable people the benefit of the doubt when in reality we need to be distancing ourselves.

And so you don’t take anything personally, you take it as important information to act on, you respect boundaries and appropriately assert and enforce your own, and you don’t let one person’s perspective of you determine your self-concept (especially if they are an unreliable narrator).

No one person is your ‘mirror’ because you have enough other people you get feedback from.

You have your own sense of yourself in which you are grounded.

What helps the most is having a ‘rubric’ that allows you to make decisions without getting sucked in to someone’s exercise in image management and control.

With my abusive ex, he would try to convince me of all kinds of things. Instead of arguing, I’m going to agree where I can –

You know what? I agree that our dynamic is not healthy and that there is abuse present. We do not agree on reality. The appropriate and safe thing to do here is to not be together.

It’s a form of ‘confrontational jiu-jitsu’.

Find where you agree, determine the safe outcome, don’t get attached to their opinion and perspective of you, and be firm on your boundaries. With the exception of my abusive ex I’ve been getting pretty solid on boundaries, and even there I have made a lot of progress.

And you’ll see that they are their own karma.

Like I said in the other post, losing you is their karma. Being that way is their karma. Being surrounded by toxic people who put up with their B.S. or whom they don’t respect is their karma.

And meanwhile?

You are too busy with real shit and living life to put all your validation and sense of self on this one person.

_____.

¹ Quote from Chuck Palahniuk’s “Fight Club”: attributed to the character of Tyler Durden.

See also:

• One of the characteristics of abusive relationships is a constant flow of criticism of the targeted person
• Predictable patterns of high-conflict personalities
• The WEB Method: Pay attention to their WORDS, your EMOTIONS, and their BEHAVIOR
• How to spot high-conflict people before it’s too late (video)
• The 5 Types of High-Conflict People & What To Do: the yeller, the wall, the sneak, the ‘confused’ one, the sociopath
• How to communicate with unintentionally high-conflict people <—– not for intentional abusers or those with strong alloplastic defenses
• “Who has time for this?” – ‘putting up’ with disrespect
• Signs you grew up with a high-conflict parent
• Spotting Emotional Immaturity in High-Conflict Personalities (see below)

Emotional maturity is, in essence, the ability to deal with reality (Gibson, 2015).

…emotionally immature people are often unable to deal with reality and tend to alter their perceptions of reality to fit their own needs.

–from Spotting Emotional Immaturity in High-Conflict Personalities

Violence and anger are not the same thing.

Plenty of people get angry without being violent.

We teach children this starting from the beginning.

“Your feelings are okay, but it’s not okay to hurt people.”

And victims of all people know this well, this tension between being angry and not harming others.

…that they are entitled to punish you.

Or that they ‘just have an anger management problem’ or ‘have trauma’.

That you should work harder – do ‘your part’ – not to ‘make’ them mad.

But plenty of people get angry, every day yet not everyone is violent or harms others.

There is a difference between violence and anger.

And I would also say that there is a type of abuser that is ‘crazymaking’ where they will engage in lighter-seeming provocations for the purpose of triggering an outburst, for the purpose of making the victim seem like the abuser. (A lot of school bullies fit this mold.)

Or, there are many abusers will actually feel and believe that they are the ones ‘walking on eggshells’

…that the victim is engaging in ‘crazymaking behavior’, even though that isn’t reality. (See: Certain abusers delude themselves into thinking that whatever they are doing is a reasonable response to what they perceive you are doing to them)

This is why I always recommend to victims that they never attempt to litigate abuse with the abuser.

The abuser’s mis-perspective of reality and their ego defenses will prevent them from being able to understand that they are abusive. (Not to mention that most victims aren’t good at argumentation, nor should they be, and if they are, the abuser often resorts to physical violence because of their impotence in logic.)

If you believe there’s always someone at fault that should be blamed, but you also do not want to ever believe that someone is you, then you see these mental gymnastic that have nothing to do with reality but everything to do with preserving their beliefs: someone is always to blame and it is never me.

And so they reverse cause and effect.