“Why me”, and decision compounding

One of the biggest questions for victims of abuse is “Why me?”

“Why did this person hurt me? What did I do? What what did I do to deserve this?”

And the most important answer to that question is “nothing”.

The abuser abused you because they made the decision to take those actions that were harmful.

Even if you’re a person who is biologically compromised –

…maybe you have a hormone imbalance or something like that and you are not a safe person – you recognize, “Oh, I’m not a safe person. I don’t want to harm other people.” And so then you take actions to remove yourself.

So even if it’s not an abuser’s ‘choice’ to abuse, they’re still making choices.

Once you realize you’re a loaded gun, you put the gun away, lock it away in a gun safe. Just like we put it away so that it cannot harm people, we remove ourselves so that we do not harm people.

And so if you’re a victim of abuse and that person for whatever reason is taking those harmful actions towards you, that is because of who they are, not because of who you are.

However, we do get to a point where we go, “Okay, I really want to move forward in my life in a way that is safe and and doesn’t unintentionally leave any areas, ways, avenues, doors for these abusers to get to me or hurt me. How do I help prevent that?”

And so that’s when you’ll see the information about, for example, boundaries.

Like, “It’s good to like have good boundaries. Enforce your boundaries. Pay attention to people who violate your boundaries.”

(Unfortunately, we have a big problem in the victim community where a victim who is in an abuse dynamic or is just out of an abuse dynamic is getting this later stage information too early. They’re being told, “Why you?” “Oh, because you have bad boundaries.” No. However, later when the victim needs to feel empowered, to find a way to empower themselves to take decisions on their own behalf so that they are safe, then that boundary discussion is really important.)

But there’s another factor at play, and that is how abusers hijack your mind and then use it against you so that you end up making poor decisions that then compound.

We all know about compounding interest in financial areas: every little bit more creates more interest which compounds, and so the more you have, the more it compounds. It’s like a snowball effect but in finances.

Well, the same thing happens with our decisions.

And so, it’s very easy to take one decision that leads to the next decision that leads to the next decision and then suddenly you’re down a road you never really intended to go down.

So what I see with a lot of victims of abuse is unintentionally they are making poor decision after poor decision that compounds in these drastic ways and leads them down this path that they never would have chosen.

And why that happens is because often, if you were a child victim of abuse for example, you had your parents telling you things about yourself. They define you to yourself. They’ve put labels on you and then you as a child internalize those labels, that defining, and start to make decisions from that position.

And the thing is, this isn’t intrinsically bad.

(Meaning the process.)

I do that with my son. A good parent will do that with their child in a positive direction:

• “Wow, you really work hard. You’re a hard worker.”
• “You’re making great grades. I love what a great student you are.”
• “I see you’re being athletic and I love what a great athlete you are.”

Kids internalize these labels – “I’m a great athlete, I’m a good student, I work hard” –

…and then they make decisions in line with that identity.

As parents, we have a lot of authority and ability to shape our child’s identity. And that is not intrinsically a bad thing.

However, when you have emotionally immature people or you have abusers

…or you have just shitty parents who are using what is supposed to be a mechanism for the child’s benefit against the child – “you’re lazy”, “why are you so stupid”, “you’re such a pig”, etc. – it then wends its way into our souls.

And you hear it enough times and you start to believe it, and it’s a form of brainwashing for the child.

They’ve been defined in a very negative way and they hear the parent’s internal voice in their mind and they don’t necessarily realize that its the parent’s voice that has been programmed into them, that it’s not their own voice.

Not every voice that we hear is our voice; not every thought in our mind is our thought.

We do not need to take ownership of of the thoughts.

And I love how this works on any paradigm that you want.

If you are an atheist or you’re more psychology-driven, you’ll see the language of “depression lies”, “anxiety lies”, “fear lies”, “don’t listen to those thoughts”. Or they’ll talk about intrusive thoughts like ‘this thought came out of nowhere’.

Let’s say you’re spiritual and you could you could think of it as entities or spirit guides, and many entities are negative.

If you are a Christian it’s going to be that classic ‘good angel’ and ‘bad angel’ on your shoulder, influencing you one way or the other

…but the thing is that we internalize the abuser’s thoughts and voice when we’re in an abuse dynamic

– when our defenses are lowered – we aren’t as mentally strong and able to repel the incorrect things. To mentally defend ourselves to ourselves.

And then just over time it wears on you, and you move forward in your life with these thoughts that you may follow, and each time you follow it in that negative direction, it compounds and you make worse and worse decisions.

Sabotaged self-esteem will have you sabotaging yourself, and over and over again.

Or let’s say you give somebody a chance that – if we’re discerning – we would not have ‘given them a chance’.

Or the the way an abuser will manipulate a victim, weaponizing their own moral framework against them

…and they often do it in a way that’s during an emotionally charged period of time, so you’re not even able to engage your cognitive thinking.

They’re trying to bypass your ability to think and use your mind, and so the decisions compound just like in the financial sphere interest compounds.

The more money you have, the more interest you make. The more interest you make, the more money you have. The more money you have, the more interest you make.

The same thing for decisions.

The more good decisions you make, the more good outcomes you get, the more you have the ability to make more good decisions, the more good outcomes you get.

And the same way for the negative.

So, when you’re sitting here and you’re like “why me? why is my life like this? how did this happen?”

…sometimes it’s because that underlying programming that was thrust upon a victim is leading them to make decisions that then compound in the wrong direction.

I noticed that the friends that I made when I was in abusive relationships were not friends, whereas the friends that I made when I was living my best life have been great friends. And I think part of it is because of this decision compounding.

It’s hard to make good choices when you’re being abused…and the choices add up.